When Things Don't Make Sense

Sometimes things don't make sense.

A conversation doesn't go the way we expected. Someone we usually get on with becomes difficult. A colleague reacts strongly to something that seemed fairly straightforward. A decision that appeared obvious turns out to be much more complicated than we thought.

We can be left wondering: What is going on here?

Our first response is often to try to explain it.

Perhaps the other person is being unreasonable. Perhaps they are not listening. Perhaps they don't understand. Perhaps they simply don't want to cooperate.

Sometimes that explanation is right.

But not always.

The obvious problem may not be the whole problem

What we see is not necessarily the whole picture.

A performance concern may involve unclear expectations. A disagreement may reflect different understandings of what was decided. Someone who appears resistant to change may be uncertain about what the change means for them.

Imagine a manager who becomes frustrated because a colleague repeatedly questions decisions in meetings. The manager sees this as resistance and a reluctance to move forward. The colleague, however, may be concerned about risks that have not been properly considered.

The manager may still need to make a decision. But understanding what lies behind the questions could change the conversation, and perhaps the decision itself.

The difficulty is that we tend to see situations from where we are standing.

We have our own experience of what has happened. We know what we intended. We know what we think we said. We know how the other person's behaviour affected us.

The other person has a different view.

They may have heard something differently. They may be working with information we don't have. They may have concerns that have not been expressed. Or they may simply see the situation differently.

That doesn't mean that everyone is right.

It does mean that there may be more to understand.

Taking a step back

When something is difficult, it can be tempting to move quickly towards a solution.

What should I do? What should they do? How do we fix this?

Sometimes that is exactly what is needed. But sometimes it is worth taking a little time to understand the situation before deciding what to do about it.

What is actually happening? What may be driving it? How are the people involved seeing it? What might be missing from the picture?

These are not questions that necessarily produce immediate answers. Sometimes, taking a step back gives us a little space to see the situation differently.

And sometimes that is enough to change what we do next.

We are part of the situation too

Looking at a difficult situation more carefully also means being willing to look at our own part in it.

We all have familiar ways of responding when things become uncertain or difficult.

Some of us try to resolve things quickly. Some become more controlling. Some step back. Some explain ourselves more strongly. Some avoid the conversation.

These responses may have served us well at other times.

But sometimes, the way we respond can become part of the problem.

It can be useful to notice what we are doing, particularly when we find ourselves having the same reaction to similar situations.

Not because there is necessarily something wrong with us.

Simply because noticing gives us another possibility.

We may still decide to respond in the same way. But we can make that decision more consciously.

Other people see things differently

One of the more difficult things to accept is that another person's view can be quite different from our own.

We may think we have been clear, while they think we have not.

We may see their behaviour as unhelpful, while they see it as necessary.

We may think a decision is straightforward, while they are considering something we have not considered.

It is easy to assume that if we can see something clearly, others should be able to see it too.

Usually, they are seeing it from somewhere else.

Understanding their perspective doesn't require us to agree with it. It simply gives us more information about the situation we are trying to deal with.

What do we do next?

There is no formula for difficult situations involving people.

Sometimes a conversation is needed. Sometimes expectations need to be clarified. Sometimes a decision has to be made. Sometimes there is little we can do except accept that the situation is difficult.

But before deciding what to do, it can help to understand what we are actually dealing with.

A clearer understanding can help us decide which conversations are worth having, what may need to change, and where we may need to respond differently ourselves.

Listen. Explore. Look again. Then decide what might help.

We won't always get it right. And we won't always have all the information we would like.

But perhaps we don't need to.

Sometimes making sense of a difficult situation is not about finding the perfect explanation.

It is about seeing a little more of what is there.

And from there, deciding what to do next.