The Conversations We Avoid

There are conversations we know we probably need to have, but keep putting off.

Perhaps a colleague has been doing something that makes our work more difficult. Perhaps someone has disappointed us, or there is something in a relationship that we have not quite known how to raise.

We tell ourselves that now is not the right time. We wait for things to improve, think about what we might say and how the other person might respond. Sometimes we decide it is better to leave things alone.

And sometimes it is.

Not every issue needs to be raised, and not every conversation will achieve what we hope. But avoiding a conversation can also allow a situation to continue, perhaps for longer than it needs to.

Before deciding what to say, it may help to spend a little time understanding what is troubling us and what we hope might come from talking about it.

What is actually happening?

When something has upset or frustrated us, we can become quite certain about what has happened and why.

Someone has not done what we expected. We may conclude that they do not respect us, do not care about the work or are deliberately making things difficult.

Perhaps that is so. But there may be something else going on.

There is a difference between saying, "You did not send me the information we agreed on," and saying, "You clearly do not respect my time." One describes something that happened. The other tells us what we think it means.

It is easy to confuse the two, particularly when we feel strongly about something.

This does not mean that our concerns are unfounded or that we should explain away behaviour that is causing a problem. It simply leaves open the possibility that we may not yet have the whole picture.

I find this a useful distinction to make. What do I know, and what am I assuming?

It is a small question, but it can change how we approach the conversation.

What would we like to achieve?

We may know that something needs to be discussed without being quite clear about what we want to come from it.

Perhaps we want to understand what happened. Perhaps we want the other person to understand the effect their behaviour is having. We may need to agree on a different way of doing things or establish a boundary that has not been clear enough.

It is worth thinking about this beforehand. Otherwise, the conversation can easily move away from the original concern. We may find ourselves bringing up other disappointments, defending our position or trying to establish who is right.

We can end up having a much bigger argument without resolving the issue that prompted it.

We do not need to plan every word. It may be enough to have a reasonably clear idea of what we would like the conversation to achieve.

Finding a way to begin

Sometimes the hardest part is starting.

We may worry about upsetting the other person, making matters worse or damaging the relationship. We may also be concerned that we will not express ourselves well.

There is no perfect way to begin a difficult conversation. But it can help to be straightforward about wanting to talk, without deciding in advance that we already understand everything that has happened.

Something as simple as this may be enough:

"I'd like us to talk about something that has been concerning me. I may not have the whole picture, but I think it would be helpful if we could talk it through."

From there, we can explain what we have observed and why it concerns us. Then we need to give the other person an opportunity to respond.

When we have spent time thinking about a problem, we may already have formed a fairly complete explanation of it. We can become so focused on getting our point across that we leave little room for anything that does not fit our understanding.

Listening does not mean agreeing with everything the other person says or abandoning a legitimate concern. It means being willing to hear another perspective before deciding what it means.

We may learn something we did not know, discover that we have misunderstood part of the situation, or find that the other person sees things differently and the problem remains. Even then, we have a clearer basis for deciding what to do next.

When things do not go as hoped

A conversation approached with care can still become difficult.

The other person may feel criticised or misunderstood. We may become frustrated when they do not seem to hear what we are saying. Before long, we can find ourselves arguing about the argument rather than dealing with the issue that brought us together.

When that happens, it may be worth stepping back. We do not have to resolve everything there and then. Sometimes acknowledging that the conversation is becoming unproductive, and suggesting that we return to it later, is more useful than pressing on.

There are, however, situations in which stepping back is not simply a matter of improving the conversation.

If there is a risk of violence, intimidation, serious retaliation or other harm, personal safety must come first. It may be inappropriate to initiate the conversation or to remain in it. Withdrawing and seeking suitable support may be the wiser course.

We do not have to confront someone when doing so could put us at risk. Knowing when not to engage is just as important as knowing when a conversation might help.

What might we not yet understand?

We bring our own experiences, expectations and concerns to what happens. Another person brings theirs. Something that seems obvious to us may look quite different from where they stand.

We cannot know another person's intentions simply by looking at their behaviour. We can make assumptions, sometimes with good reason, but we may still be mistaken.

A little curiosity can be useful here. What might the other person be seeing that I am not? Is there something about the situation that I have not considered?

These questions do not require us to excuse unacceptable behaviour. Some situations call for firm boundaries, clear decisions or formal action. And some disagreements cannot be resolved, however carefully we approach them.

But where a conversation is appropriate, being open to another perspective may help us understand what is happening more clearly. It may also help us decide whether there is something we can do differently ourselves.

We cannot control how another person responds. We can, however, pay attention to how we approach the situation and what we do with what we learn.

Taking the next step

If there is a conversation you have been putting off, perhaps it is worth giving it a little thought.

What has actually happened, and what am I assuming about it?

What matters most to me, and what would I like to come from talking about it?

Is there something I may not yet understand about the other person's perspective?

And is this a conversation that is appropriate and safe to have?

We do not need to have all the answers before deciding what to do, or resolve everything in a single conversation.

Sometimes a conversation opens the way to a better understanding, a practical solution or a change in how we deal with one another. Sometimes it makes clear that the problem is more difficult than we thought.

And sometimes, having considered the situation carefully, we may decide that a conversation is not the right next step.

The point is not to have every difficult conversation we can think of. It is to understand the situation as well as we can and decide what might be helpful.

That is not always easy. But it gives us a better place from which to begin.